My heart is so heavy as I journal tonight. I don't even know where to begin. Today I came to realize that me choosing to give up social networking has been a curse and a blessing. Sure I've been tempted before today and it felt like torture but today was hot & cold. I wanted to log on with everything inside of me but at the same time I knew I wouldn't be able to handle all the emotions that would come with it. Sure I was emotional last night when spending what may be the last night with Crisco before his new journey's in life but a whole new emotion came today. I went back and forth today with cheating or breaking my vow during Lent. This has been the biggest temptation yet. Before I get more into that I must quench #theThirst and mention how Oscar made sure I was still "alive" tonight while playing words with friends. And naturally he knew right away that I was off Twitter for Lent. It still blows me away how my social network, ok wait not even social network as a whole but Twitter, friends are concerned enough to check up since I gave no warning I was going "Ghost". (Thanks DJ CO1 and Eddie Go for asking yesterday) Of course some ask when I see them or text them but to go out of their way to contact someone they've never met in person or have never heard the voice of. So again thank you Oscar and the others I've previously mentioned. And you know what's crazy is the "non-blockheads" that care the most. What happened to my million sisters? And now that I think about it two of them I met through Ustream while watching DJ Dummy. So I guess I could thank him for bringing these people into my life. Next, today seemed to be a day of reconnection with some of my closest friends that I've gotten lazy about keeping in contact with. They are the ones that we don't have to "catch up" but instead we pick up where we left off no matter how much time has gone by. Even throughout my emotional day I reached out and they put a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was frown. Then the others (outside of Gianna and RP) were because we lost a great soul today. Within 24 hours of finding out he had fallen ill he was gone. When I got the final notification phone call I knew. I didn't want to answer the phone but I knew I had to. This is where all the temptation really came about. Having to hear my best friend cry just tore me apart and broke my heart into a million pieces. Hearing/seeing a female cry is hard enough but to hear/see a man cry is one of the worst things to endure. Especially when there is absolutely nothing you can do but listen and be strong for them. Then this evening I broke my own heart and caved. I had no other choice but to log into Facebook to send a message to Bobby or let him find out "through the grapevine". With no current contact information I logged in, sent the message and logged out making sure I didn't see anything else. I didn't think it was possible for my heart to sink any more. I had to tell Bobby that we lost Kerry today. Of course I now have current contact information and will make sure from here on out it stays that way. I know now not to question things. Today quickly confirmed that people do still know how to use a telephone for making actual phone calls. People do still correspond through email. Some things are just meant to be left off social networking. Knowing today that my brothers are in mourning, some more than others, I had to reach out the "old fashioned" way. I don't hate much but I absolutely hate that some of my closest are in so much pain & sorrow right now. Kerry you were loved more than you'd ever know. You are already missed by so many. Leave it to you to bring the pham back together. May you shine ever so brightly down upon us now for you have become one with the light. With this loss I have decided to no longer sign my journal with "until tomorrow' but "until we meet again" because tomorrow may never come.
Until we meet again...
*I journal nightly before bed and am not responsible for spelling and grammatical errors*
Status Updates:
2:41pm - RIP Kerry. My brother, my friend. Life will never be the same without you. The Masonic community has lost a great person.
PS. Jess almost broke me a 2nd time because I got an email that I was tagged in a picture. I knew what it was and had to ask her to email it to me so I could see it. Princess looks absolutely amazing in her wings. And when she is ready, my brother & bear will be there waiting for her.
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