Good Enough...

It has been quite some time since I have put my thoughts down. I have been wanting to write for a while now. I have had so much on my mind. It is to the point that I am seriously struggling with remaining smoke-free. Yes, I have remained smoke-free. Going on almost 4 years now. *pats self on back* I can't lie though, it is still a struggle but in the end I see how strong I can be by fighting the urge to take the easy way out and give in. One of the hardest things that cause me to struggle is my weight. Since I quit smoking I have gained more weight than I care to admit. Sure, the weight could have come regardless but I know that I certainly replaced the cigarettes with food. I did good at first but then I just said fuck it and enjoyed each and every meal. Yes, I turned every time I ate into a meal. Which brings me to where I am now. Unhappy, always feeling like I'll never be good enough. Let me clarify before we continue. I am not writing so I can play "woe is me" but so I can 1) get my own thoughts together so I can try to move forward and 2) because someone else may be feeling the same way and they need to know that they are not alone.


Have you ever felt that you aren't good enough? Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wanted to cry? Have you ever sabotaged any type of relationship because of your own insecurities? There have been times that I have been so happy that it scared me. How could I be so "fat" and be happy? How could anyone be happy while looking that way? How could anyone want to be with me while I look and feel like this? I was recently told by a good friend of mine that I sabotage every single relationship that I have because of my own insecurities. I had to sit back really think about this before I could deny it. Low and behold, it is true. In thinking about this and all the relationships that I have ruined due to anxiety stemmed from my own insecurities and it was quite shocking. In my own eyes I am so disgusting. I know that my vision is blurred because people tell me otherwise and I can't seem to believe that everyone would lie to me. I'm not saying it is impossible but chances are slim to none. I once almost bailed on a trip that had been planned for months, probably even a year, because I had anxiety. What was my anxiety from? Being insecure. I ended up going on the trip but it didn't turn out as I'm sure it should have. I read a tweet today that said "Women are so used to their features they forget how beautiful they look to strangers." I don't necessarily agree with it but I agree with it. Make sense? I don't necessarily believe that it applies to me but I agree with the statement. Now, let me stop for a moment and remind everyone how on the outside I don't show people what I feel when it comes to my insecurities. I will be a straight up asshole before I let that wall down and show my insecurities. Ok, now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

When my friends say that I sabotage my relationships, I do so by different ways. Depending on the type of relationship, I may say "hey, you know I'm a big girl right?" or "you like big chicks?". Or I may just bail on everything and sit on my couch with a glass of wine while watching lifetime while everyone else is out. What ways do you sabotage your relationships? There is also the many times that I have buried myself in my work. For the last 6 years I had cheerleading to keep me distracted. Whether it be coaching, travelling, etc. Now that I am done with that, I am at a loss. I have to actually face my own mind. Do you understand how scary that is? I have recently reconnected with an old friend from high school. Why? Because this year is my 20 year high school reunion so why not? Side note: I don't think I will even go although I was super hype about it. I have decided that I don't want to see anyone from back then. Anyone want to guess why? Ok, so it took everything inside of me to not sabotage this new found relationship (friendship). And yet, here I sit feeling that I'm not good enough. For what? To be friends with someone I haven't seen in 18 years. Much less actually see them in person. I can tell myself that I am good enough but in the end my mind wins and I'm the one sitting here depressed, yes with my glass of wine. No, I'm not watching Lifetime but I am watching The Best Man so that doesn't help much either.

I guess my point in all of this is that whether it be your own insecurities or someone elses, what's meant to be will be. And at this time I'm going to be an old 600lb cat lady frying chicken in my deep fryer while sitting in my bed. Yes, I actually saw that on an episode before. I don't even like cats, much less any pet at that. WTF! That's not me one bit. I just wish for myself that one day I will be good enough.


In other news, I am happy to announce that I am going back to school. I haven't had to write an essay in 20 years and here I wrote one to go with my application. I cannot wait for it to begin so I can dive into that and not have to worry about battling my mind. I have just tested out of one class so that is 1 down and a bunch more to go. Yes, I am quite proud of this accomplishment. Please keep your fingers crossed that I get into this program for my Associate's degree. Already looking forward to transferring to a University for my Bachelors Degree. Yes, I had to end on a good note.


Maybe I will try to write some more since I still have the whole summer ahead of me before the fall term begins...

I'm sure I was all over the place but as always, I just let the words flow through my fingers and publish without editing. Hope you were able to follow along.