Depression - Final Discussion Intro Psychology 1105

For my final discussion in Intro to Psychology 1105, I have decided to use a blog format combined with essay, blog, and memes. I hope that everyone that reads this in entirety and can find something to help someone, whether it be themselves or someone else, who may suffer from depression to seek help or at least get a proper diagnosis. *note: this has been a very emotional post as I haven't opened up this much on my blog before.

I knew from the beginning of term that the Introduction to Psychology 1105 course would be an interesting one based on what I was currently going through in my personal life. I was a bit apprehensive because while I wanted to learn more about what I was going through, I knew that I would begin to feel a certain way emotionally and it may bring up some emotions that I had filed away in the back of my memory. I found throughout the course that many of us, myself and my classmates, all encountered stress and are seeking ways to successfully manage it. However, one of the main topics that stuck out the most was Mood Disorders, more specifically depression. How many people actually suffer from depression and are too scared to ask for help? Do they just tell themselves they are just experiencing sadness and it will pass? This question really stuck with me during week 5 because I have done this myself. “Statistics show that approximately 26 percent of adults and 20 percent of children experience diagnosable mental health conditions each year. However, few individuals utilize the needed services when it comes to seeking treatment from professionals such as a psychologist or therapist” (Ph.D., 2012). Why is it that so few people seek treatment when it is almost easily available? Is it that they are scared to become a part of a stigma that surrounds depression? The social bias that comes with depression is enough to push fear on a person that suffers from it because it just injects more fear of what people will think about them. In my personal experience, I was scared to talk to anyone about what I was going through because they had already heard enough about how I had been laid off from work and was having a hard time finding a job, I was frustrated for not being able to lose weight, or because my personal relationships were going down the drain, the list can go on and on. I no longer wanted to burden anyone with what I was going through because I told myself that they were tired of hearing my pity party.

Almost even more important is having the ability to recognize the signs that you, yourself, may be suffering from a mood disorder. When it comes to depression, the steps to recognize and encourage someone to seek treatment is different. While we want to help, it is important to remember that someone suffering from a disorder may not want the help because they, themselves, may not want to recognize that they may be suffering. We, the outsiders, may begin to recognize some symptoms of depression but may not associate it with depression. For instance, I had shared my sudden bout of insomnia that was getting worse and worse each day and my anxiety with some close friends but no one asked if maybe I was struggling with depression. I was having a hard time falling asleep and eventually it got to the point that I wasn’t able to fall asleep until 8 or 9 o’clock in the morning. I would then only sleep for a few hours which led to me being constantly tired and becoming more and more irritable. Sure, I had tried sleep aids from natural relaxation techniques to zzzquil, and even alcohol. Nothing was helping. During the same time frame my (self-diagnosed) anxiety began getting worse and worse. I was staying in bed all but a few hours a day, struggling to even leave it. I was crying for literally hours at a time yet I was unable to explain why. I constantly had the feeling of drinking a pot of strong coffee or 6 energy drinks, even though I don’t drink either, where the adrenaline was just pulsing through my body yet I was very jumpy. Overall I felt so inadequate in so many aspects of life. Of course, had someone mentioned depression to me I would’ve passed it off as several life changes happening at once and I would be fine and I just needed someone to vent to. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone else? In her blog titled, Depression Part Two, Allie Brosh says, “But people want to help. So they try harder to make you feel hopeful and positive about the situation. You explain it again, hoping they'll try a less hope-centric approach, but re-explaining your total inability to experience joy inevitably sounds kind of negative; like maybe you WANT to be depressed” (Brosh, 2013). *sidenote: if you ever have a change, I encourage everyone to read that blog - my personal favorite is the god of cake!

For the week 5 discussion we were given an option of several TED Talks to watch. I was very glad that I decided to watch Kevin Breel’s talk where discusses his own depression and how he has learned to personally cope with it. During the talk, Breel mentioned something that truly made me think. He says " Real depression isn't being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is being sad when everything in your life is going right" (Breel, 2013). Too many times do we mention depression when we are truly just going through a natural phase of sadness due to a certain circumstance at the present moment in life. I know that I have said before that I was depressed but it was just sadness and I was only dwelling on it. So how does someone know that they, or someone they know, could be suffering from depression? The textbook for this course (Spielman, 2016)states: To receive a diagnosis of major depressive disorder, one must experience a total of five symptoms for at least a two-week period; these symptoms must cause significant distress or impair normal functioning, and they must not be caused by substances or a medical condition. At least one of the two symptoms mentioned above must be present, plus any combination of the following symptoms (APA, 2013):

• significant weight loss (when not dieting) or weight gain and/or significant decrease or increase in appetite;
• difficulty falling asleep or sleeping too much;
• psychomotor agitation (the person is noticeably fidgety and jittery, demonstrated by behaviors like the inability to sit, pacing, hand-wringing, pulling or rubbing of the skin, clothing, or other objects) or psychomotor retardation (the person talks and moves slowly, for example, talking softly, very little, or in a monotone);
• fatigue or loss of energy;
• feelings of worthlessness or guilt;
• difficulty concentrating and indecisiveness; and
• suicidal ideation: thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), thinking about or planning suicide, or making an actual suicide attempt.

Why must your symptoms be present for at least two weeks though? Does a time-frame of two weeks really show a difference between sadness and depression? How many people do you think may actually suffer from depression but don't know enough to put two and two together and go see a doctor or talk to someone about it? Kevin Breel was right that depression is a massive problem right now that is not talked about enough. How many of us do see it on social media but just keep scrolling when, in fact, they could be reaching out for help because they feel this is their only outlet? " ... the stigma in our society around depression is very real" and what are we doing to become more educated about it besides taking a course, most likely because it is a prerequisite for whatever program you are enrolled in? I loved the way Breel ended his talk and agree very much with him, we do need to speak up. " So we need to stop the ignorance, stop the intolerance, stop the stigma, and stop the silence, and we need to take away the taboos, take a look at the truth, and start talking, because the only way we're going to beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together, by standing strong together" (Breel, 2013).

Many may ask, why did you decide to open up about some of your personal struggles? First, I am going to lead by example and not only talk about it to others and share my personal life but actually continue to work on natural cures and self coping mechanisms such as working out (exercise), hot yoga (meditation and relaxation), social interaction (not only talking to friends but leaving the house to physically interact with them), and actually go outside when it is still daylight. I am taking the steps that I need to take for myself in recognizing that I may have an illness. It is not just being unemployed and frustrated because I'm having a hard time finding a job, it's not just a personal relationship gone sour, it is not just a bout of insomnia, it is not just sadness due to life coming down on me (when it rains, it pours), it is not just stress from being overwhelmed with school. After reading the text on this particular subject I learned there are several "twitches" or "habits" I have that could indeed be signs of depression. However, I am stronger than depression and will overcome whatever it is that I am battling.

If we start with ourselves and learn what we can to accept and recognize psychological health, then perhaps those that suffer with depression would be more willing to seek treatment. By removing the stigma associated, perhaps more people, whether they realize they suffer from a mood disorder or not, will come forward to seek treatment without fearing that it is socially unacceptable. By not only advocating for those that do have mood disorders, but also those that are unaware, we can come together for community awareness.

References
Breel, K. (2013, May). Confessions of a Depressed Comic. Retrieved from www.ted.com: https://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_breel_confessions_of_a_depressed_comic
Brosh, A. (2013, May 9). Depression Part Two. Retrieved from Hyperbole and a Half: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
Ph.D., E. A. (2012, October 25). Stigma and Mental Health. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-race-good-health/201210/stigma-and-mental-health Spielman, R. M. (2016). Psychology. Houston, Tx: Openstax.

Good Enough...

It has been quite some time since I have put my thoughts down. I have been wanting to write for a while now. I have had so much on my mind. It is to the point that I am seriously struggling with remaining smoke-free. Yes, I have remained smoke-free. Going on almost 4 years now. *pats self on back* I can't lie though, it is still a struggle but in the end I see how strong I can be by fighting the urge to take the easy way out and give in. One of the hardest things that cause me to struggle is my weight. Since I quit smoking I have gained more weight than I care to admit. Sure, the weight could have come regardless but I know that I certainly replaced the cigarettes with food. I did good at first but then I just said fuck it and enjoyed each and every meal. Yes, I turned every time I ate into a meal. Which brings me to where I am now. Unhappy, always feeling like I'll never be good enough. Let me clarify before we continue. I am not writing so I can play "woe is me" but so I can 1) get my own thoughts together so I can try to move forward and 2) because someone else may be feeling the same way and they need to know that they are not alone.


Have you ever felt that you aren't good enough? Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wanted to cry? Have you ever sabotaged any type of relationship because of your own insecurities? There have been times that I have been so happy that it scared me. How could I be so "fat" and be happy? How could anyone be happy while looking that way? How could anyone want to be with me while I look and feel like this? I was recently told by a good friend of mine that I sabotage every single relationship that I have because of my own insecurities. I had to sit back really think about this before I could deny it. Low and behold, it is true. In thinking about this and all the relationships that I have ruined due to anxiety stemmed from my own insecurities and it was quite shocking. In my own eyes I am so disgusting. I know that my vision is blurred because people tell me otherwise and I can't seem to believe that everyone would lie to me. I'm not saying it is impossible but chances are slim to none. I once almost bailed on a trip that had been planned for months, probably even a year, because I had anxiety. What was my anxiety from? Being insecure. I ended up going on the trip but it didn't turn out as I'm sure it should have. I read a tweet today that said "Women are so used to their features they forget how beautiful they look to strangers." I don't necessarily agree with it but I agree with it. Make sense? I don't necessarily believe that it applies to me but I agree with the statement. Now, let me stop for a moment and remind everyone how on the outside I don't show people what I feel when it comes to my insecurities. I will be a straight up asshole before I let that wall down and show my insecurities. Ok, now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

When my friends say that I sabotage my relationships, I do so by different ways. Depending on the type of relationship, I may say "hey, you know I'm a big girl right?" or "you like big chicks?". Or I may just bail on everything and sit on my couch with a glass of wine while watching lifetime while everyone else is out. What ways do you sabotage your relationships? There is also the many times that I have buried myself in my work. For the last 6 years I had cheerleading to keep me distracted. Whether it be coaching, travelling, etc. Now that I am done with that, I am at a loss. I have to actually face my own mind. Do you understand how scary that is? I have recently reconnected with an old friend from high school. Why? Because this year is my 20 year high school reunion so why not? Side note: I don't think I will even go although I was super hype about it. I have decided that I don't want to see anyone from back then. Anyone want to guess why? Ok, so it took everything inside of me to not sabotage this new found relationship (friendship). And yet, here I sit feeling that I'm not good enough. For what? To be friends with someone I haven't seen in 18 years. Much less actually see them in person. I can tell myself that I am good enough but in the end my mind wins and I'm the one sitting here depressed, yes with my glass of wine. No, I'm not watching Lifetime but I am watching The Best Man so that doesn't help much either.

I guess my point in all of this is that whether it be your own insecurities or someone elses, what's meant to be will be. And at this time I'm going to be an old 600lb cat lady frying chicken in my deep fryer while sitting in my bed. Yes, I actually saw that on an episode before. I don't even like cats, much less any pet at that. WTF! That's not me one bit. I just wish for myself that one day I will be good enough.


In other news, I am happy to announce that I am going back to school. I haven't had to write an essay in 20 years and here I wrote one to go with my application. I cannot wait for it to begin so I can dive into that and not have to worry about battling my mind. I have just tested out of one class so that is 1 down and a bunch more to go. Yes, I am quite proud of this accomplishment. Please keep your fingers crossed that I get into this program for my Associate's degree. Already looking forward to transferring to a University for my Bachelors Degree. Yes, I had to end on a good note.


Maybe I will try to write some more since I still have the whole summer ahead of me before the fall term begins...

I'm sure I was all over the place but as always, I just let the words flow through my fingers and publish without editing. Hope you were able to follow along.

I have decided that blogging nightly while doing Insanity isn't as fun as when I was preparing for the 5k. After all, I am just doing the same video over and over (well by schedule anyway). I will say that I feel that I'm able to keep up a bit more but I still can't finish a full video without having to stop to catch my breath or let my muscles stop burning. However, I do have a story to share with you from the other night.



So it was late the other night (I think it may have been Thursday night) and I really wasn't feeling it. I had zero desire to work out. I just knew that I couldn't not do it because I made this dumb commitment and I need to see it through. I'm not even a 3rd the way through either. *sigh* So anyway, it was late and I decided to do the workout in my bedroom. It was 10:30pm and my daughter was laying in my bed. So I proceed to do the "Power Jacks" as Shaun T instructs us to do. Now if you don't know, Power Jacks are like a jumping jack/squat hybrid. You jump feet together and arms up then when your arms go down you go into a squat. It is definitely an interesting move and is quick to make your legs burn. So I am minding my own business and doing these power jacks when my daughter pops her little nosy tail up and asks me "Mom, what is that noise?". Now, don't get to laughing yet. My response was "What?" Then I realized and advised her it was my thighs. I'm trying to stay concentrated on the video when the little snot then says "Oh, well I was wondering why you were clapping!" I had to laugh and tell her to get her a$$ to sleep. The rest of the workout was not the same after that. Now, everytime I do a power squat I can't help but laugh. So there you have it...I can make it clap with no problem. It just isn't the way that some of human species may prefer. C'mon now, admit it....you are all singing "Make it clap". You can't thank me later when it is no longer stuck in your head.



This concludes this week's entry. Until next time...

WAAAAAIIIIIIITTTTTTTT.......

Did I forget to tell y'all about Gravity Fit last week? It is almost Tuesday again (Sunday) and I did share how I walked out a winner? If I already told you then you can just go back to singing "Make it clap". So the Workout Queen went with me to Gravity Fit on Tuesday. I think that Running Regina is not going to attend this class again. That is ok though, she is a workout addict anyway. And Jumping Josephina was unable to attend. So anyway, Workout Queen is such a beast that she decided to do two workouts before going to Gravity Fit. I mean, seriously, who does that? Anyway, we go and it was a full class again like the first time I attended. I felt great and was able to keep up a little bit more. Of course somewhat knowing what to expect and knowing when to go potty in an effort not to pee myself helped. I was sweating up a storm too. Yes, I sweat. I don't "glisten" like some women. So the end of class comes and it is "relay" time. I'm sure you all know that I was dreading the pit from hell! So again I counted off and ended up doing suicide drills in the dodgeball court area first. Next up was...yep, you guessed it....the pit from hell! Do I go there and some chick is there in the middle talking about how she hurt her ankle. She didn't want help so I was just waiting for her to hurry up and get out of the pit so I could get it over with. In the end, the wait gave me the courage to take it on. I jumped in from the platform area instead of the trampoline. So I jump in, swim to the wall and touch it then swim back and get out. All in under 10 minutes, perhaps even under 5 minutes. When I got out I just wanted to say "LIKE A BOSS!" I didn't though. After class I was speaking with the instructor. Did I mention she reminds me so much of an old friend of mine? It's pretty crazy how much they resemble each other. Anyway, even she said how much I've improved and gave me the double high five. Then she asked me what else I was doing or if I was just doing the GF class. I told her how I was going the dreaded Insanity also but I'd much rather do GF 5 nights a week instead of Insanity. Point is, she told me that I looked slimmer. That made me feel so great about everything and myself. I walked out of there with my head held high and a huge smile on my face even though it was about 10 degrees outside. Can't wait until this coming Tuesday. That is if the snow stops and cooperates. I won't drive in the snow unless I absolutely have to. I hate driving in inclement weather! I am also going to try to go to Thursday morning class.

Ok, this time I'm really done. MAKE IT CLAP! HAHA

Insanity...more than just the workout

I am so behind in updating the blog it is crazy! So basically, I have not forgotten but I have run out of time and I'm just pooped each night. Yes, I'm still doing Insanity. Yes, I am still going to Gravity Fit. Yes, each week I fall behind another day due to Gravity Fit. Big news though. I will have to make time to sit down and update with everything. Please check back again soon.

Insanity - Day 16, 17, 18 plus Gravity Fit

click on the picture to make it bigger so you can read it.

That is how I feel every day that I attempt to do Insanity so far.

OK I'm not going to try to be cute like with my last "Catch up" blog. It is 11:09pm on a friday night and I have yet another early Saturday ahead of me. So here we go...

I last left you Monday Night after Day 15 with my fit or should we say unfit test.

Tuesday - Gravity Fit (no Insanity)
I decided against doubling up my workouts tonight like I did the first day I attended Gravity Fit. Gravity Fit is enough of a workout on it's own. Believe me when I say that I felt more out of shape this class than the first one. We did a different workout which is kinda cool so we don't expect the same thing every class. We were working abs tonight. Boy did we work them. Holy moly! Less jumping, more balance, core control. Of course, what is a gravity fit class without Grace making an appearance? (Backstory: I'm just graceful like that, remember the pit from hell?) So we are about half way through class where we line up and jump across the trampolines. I'm going and I'm going and then my foot gets caught under the mat and SPLAT! I literally face planted on the trampoline and bounced a few times. I looked up and saw the instructor watching me. As I'm getting up she, in her microphone thing, tells me "It's ok, get up and keep trying". WTH! I just said screw it and walked down the side on the mats. Of course Jumping Josephina also twisted her ankle at some point because she was limping as well. At the end of class we had the "relay/triatholon" again. When the instructor mentioned the pit from hell I wanted to go kick her in the shin. But I decided that I can do it. Ok....wait....let me backtrack a bit. At home I announced that I was going to Gravity Fit and for the kids to get to bed early. (The class is from 9-10pm) My son tells me "on not in, Mom!" I was like what? He says "On the foam not in it!" Then he proceeds to laugh hysterically at me. He even stood on the couch to demonstrate for me how to jump into the pit from hell. That dang brat! Yes, I laughed. Ok now back to my story, I decided I could do it and gently dove on top of the foam in a belly flopping manner. I "swam" about half way and decided it was good enough for tonight and went back to get out. Did I mention I asked Jumping Josephina to stay with me in case I needed help? I'm so lame! HAHA! It was still quite the workout. I believe I forgot to mention that Running Regina tweeted me a picture of the pit from hell. What a nice friend huh? Please note the sarcasm.



Wednesday Day 16
So I'm a day behind on my Insanity schedule now but there was no way I would be able to handle back to back workouts again. I thought I was going to die last Saturday when I tried that. Tonight was the dumb polymetric cardio circuit which is a fancy way of saying interval training. This is my least favorite workout I believe. But then again there are parts of it that I do like. I did it, moving on. Just kidding, I have to recap after last night's Gravity Fit. My knee was sooooooooooo sore today. Much like Saturday after the cheer competition. It was stiff and hurt a lot to move it. Once it was in motion I was fine but it was getting it in motion that was painful. My obliques were quite sore as well. That Gravity Fit is no joke! I felt more sore from that than from Cardio Abs with Insanity. I love it though. I can't wait for my next class. I probably looked like a mummy today trying to walk around.

Thursday Day 17
I will remain behind on the Insanity schedule now since I plan on attending Gravity Fit more often (weekly). And I will take my rest day on Sundays still. My knee was feeling better but my sides were still quite tender. Tonight was pure cardio and cardio abs. Go figure! I did feel that I was able to hang more with the group on the Cardio Abs thanks to Tuesday night's gravity fit class. Didn't leave me sore, or should I say any more sore so I guess that is a good thing. It's strange how now I feel like I didn't workout good enough if I'm not sore the next day. This pure cardio was rough on me. I had to rest a lot tonight because I was either tired or more out of shape or something. But I tried and that is all that matters right? Being that I almost didn't do a video last night is huge because here I am again. I wouldn't say addicted but more determined.

Friday (tonight) Day 18
Tonight was cardio recovery. Screw this "rest" day from cardio. I say that in a loving manner, NOT! Sure, we are not doing cardio but the workout still makes me break out into a sweat. It is definitely no joke. Tonight after work I was talking with my boss about working out and losing weight and how this challenge just doesn't have anyone very motivated. This turned us into talking about "being ready for change". Last year Runing Regina and another friend were trying to convince me to workout and my response was always "I'm good. I'll eat what I want, when I want and I will continue to smoke too." Now look at me. I haven't smoked in almost 8 months and I'm working out religiously. I guess I was finally ready for that change. Much like you can't force someone into rehab, they have to want it in order for it to be effective. I just hope that even though I'm not losing much weight (I believe I put back on the 2lbs I lost then lost 1lb) that I will be more fit and look better. I am also working on cutting back instead of cutting out, as far as food goes.

So all in all, not much to update as far as Insanity goes but I did need to catch up. I'm sure I had more to say each night but I've been working out super late and then crashing right away. Hopefully I will get my crap together and start blogging nightly again so I am more entertaining.

Insanity - Day 12, 13, 14, 15

Yes, I know it has been a while since I've blogged. Of course, just because I haven't blogged doesn't mean I'm not doing this dumb Insanity video. And I say dumb in a loving manner. *note the sarcasm*

Day 12 - Friday
This was a really rough day for me. Between work, an extra practice before competition (cheer) and back to work I was super stressed out to the point where I was feeling defeated. It is hard for me to admit that but just so you can get an idea as to how I was feeling. I'm just thankful that I have a boss who let's me vent while at least looking like he is interested or listening to what I'm saying. Anyway, after retrieving my daughter I decided that I needed to bail on the workout and go have some adult conversation over a couple drinks and dinner. So basically, I used Friday night as my rest day and it was the best decision I've made in a long time. At least that is how I was feeling until Saturday came.

Day 13 - Saturday
So I got up and didn't have to go sit outside and freeze my butt off at a soccer tournament this day since my son was sick. So instead I rolled out of bed and started laundry. Then I figured I will get my workout (friday's workout)done early since we had competition in the afternoon/early evening. Did I mention that I hadn't eaten yet? This was the hardest workout since I started. I felt so weak and like I was unable to complete any part of the video. I sat down more than I ever have since I began this video. Huge difference of trying to do Insanity on an empty stomach versus at the end of the day when you are tired. I literally felt like I was going to fall out 10 minutes into the video. Yes, that is about when the warm-up is finishing. Now let me add that after the competition my knee was so stiff that it hurt to walk much less move it.



Day 14 - Sunday
Normally this is my rest day, however, since I took Friday night off to have some adult time I am having to workout today. What a long weekend! Today I also had to go and freeze my tail off since my son was feeling well enough to attempt to participate in the soccer tourney, which of course didn't help my knee feel any better. I once heard that you burn calories when you are cold because the body is trying to keep warm. If this is the case then I should've lost 10 pounds while sitting outside watching the first game. Anyway, I came home tired and naturally didn't want to work out. So I ate pizza instead. Yes, before you think about lecturing me I did work out after. Of course I did wait about an hour and a half after I ate before I worked out. This was my first "double work out" also. Pure Cardio and Cardio Abs. I was a little scared and boy did I have reason. I like the pure cardio video but that cardio abs is no joke. Just holding position without doing crunches or sit ups is hard.



Day 15 - Monday (today)
So today I weighed myself again. I am down a total of 2 pounds since I began Insanity and this weight loss challenge. I shouldn't complain since it is better than losing zero pounds or gaining any pounds. Today was also Fit Test day. OH Boy! So straight to the fit test we go. As I was doing the warm up it felt different. Being that the warm up is pretty much the same in every video I found it odd. My knee was feeling ok since attempting to do the workout last night. Must be the weather aggrivating it. Anyway overall, I improved on everything on the fit test. Only because I pushed myself as much as I could to do better than the first day. The first workout (kick something or another) I had to do twice since my daughter who was supposed to help me count did it wrong. Either way I didn't improve on that one, I actually did less. Everything else I made sure I improved. We'll see how sore I am tomorrow. Stay tuned......

Insanity Day 11

Seriously though! I think I really do hit my snooze button about 5 times every morning. Well, that is when I hear my alarm. Ok that is neither here nor there. I'm really going to keep it short and sweet tonight because I'm tired and I read before I sleep and I can't miss out on that. Tonight was Cardio Recovery so it was a faily simple workout except for the forrest fire in my thighs again. I don't mind going slow and doing stretching but holding in certain positions as long as I can through the burn is tough. But...I did it. Even if I really didn't want to. Today was an exhausting day. See, told you I'd keep it short and sweet. Catch y'all tomorrow after another crazy busy day! ps. I just had to come back to edit from 10 to 11. Even better! Too bad it wasn't from 10 to 60. HA!

Insanity Day 10

This is how I feel when getting ready for Insanity. Yikes! I had to actually untie the drawstring on my shorts the other night so I could get them on. Mind you, these are the shorts I wore for The Color Run! How is this even possible? I really must be a total heffer! Just goes back to the idea that you don't know how big you really are until you see yourself in a mirror when you aren't ready to see the real you. Scary situation!

I'm tired so let's just get to it. And don't you try to distract me either, I won't fall for it tonight. Speaking of tonight, I had no desire whatsoever to do this video of the polymetric cardio circuit. Screw this video. Not one of my favorites, can you tell? After practice we went to dinner (a weekly wednesday ritual for free pie wednesday at VI - and no I didn't eat the pie...yet)and as we sat in our booth waiting to be waited on I thought to myself "man, I still have to workout but since I'm eating now this means I have to wait and will be working out late." So I waited about an hour and half after I ate dinner to workout. I even pouted, stomped my feet and rolled my eyes at Shaun T. I know it is hard to believe me acting in such a childish manner but it's true! Just take a moment to force yourself to accept this.

And why do I always have to pee when I'm working out? Never fails, I am on a roll, feeling the burn and sweating like a child working in a sweat shop....then it hits me. Tonight I'm certain that it is something wrong with me, perhaps a weak bladder or something that bearing children did to me. At least when I'm doing Insanity I am at home and it's not so embarrassing. Unlike at Gravity Fit when I was doing tuck jumps across the trampolines and had to do the longest kegel of my life and then run to the bathroom barefoot so I didn't have pee running down my leg. So naturally, tonight I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the video and since I don't know how to pause on the PS2 I just let it run and catch back up.

Speaking of Gravity Fit, I'm so sad! I reminded Jumping Josephina that we needed to call to make our reservation since both of us forgot yesterday. Then I receive a text that she called and they advised her that this past Saturday was a launch class only and they will not be offering the class on Saturdays, only Tuesday Nights (from 9-10pm) and Thursday Mornings (from 7-8am). We are going to try to make the Tuesday night class but that is sooooooo late to be working out, even for me. Not to mention I have to drive across town and make sure that I have something to watch the kids since I'm an overprotective mother and have problems leaving them alone. I would love to be able to do Thursday mornings as well but I already struggle with my hours at work and this wouldn't help. Maybe when school is out and cheer is done I can do it since it will be easier for me to go into work later. Maybe if we keep calling for Saturdays they will see that the class will be full and they will add it. Hmmmmm.... I will just have to make sure that I either wake up at like 4am to do Insanity for that day or just use Gravity Fit in it's place because doing double workouts within a few hours of each other is too tough for me.

Hey, I told you not to distract me. I really did intend to keep this short. One last thing that I forgot to say the other night then I'm off to dreamland. When you see someone on the biggest loser that weighs the same as you but you think they are way bigger than you, chances are they are probably not. Yes, eye opener for me. What makes it worse that I never watch that show but it happened to be on and like any show, I have to see how it ends. Needless to say I don't want to watch it again because this time my son even told me to call to try to be a contestent. Little butthead! Ok, off to cry my eyes out over this.

Insanity Day 9 - oompa loompa doompa dee doo

OK I happen to like carrots so that wouldn't be such a bad thing, however, I would be more concerned with turning orange and looking like a little fat oompa loompa. Then I'd have to dye my hair green and wear those very unappealing white overalls. Not a good look. And just so you know, I am sparing everyone the picture of one tonight. Although, I did google for images and there are some very disturbing oompa loompas in the world.

Did I tell anyone that I weighed myself on Monday? 1 week into this challenge and I lost 1 pound. Yeah, probably because when I weighed in originally I had my hoodie on and this time I didn't. So in reality I didn't lose anything. Of course I didn't gain so that should be a good thing but it doesn't help me in trying to lose the most so I can bring home the big bucks at the end of this month. *sigh*

So I completed day 9 of Insanity tonight. It would have been very easy to forget and let the time slip by with the day I had. Anyway, I did it. I was almost happy when I saw it was Pure Cardio night. I actually like this video with the exception of a few moves. I am happy to report that I feel that I was able to complete more in the first half of the video this time around. However, I think I pushed too hard too early because for the last 10 minutes of the video I was seriously struggling......to breathe! And why when you have to lunge and raise the front arm....ugh, this is so uncomfortable. My fat just gets in the way of everything! Hopefully one day I can do so without having to reposition the fat. Anyway, I'm happy with the way tonights workout went, overall. YAY! GO ME!



In the meantime I am looking foward to Gravity Fit this weekend. Well, with the exception of Hell Pit! Hopefully there is still space left since I spaced reserving my spot today, even after I talked with Jumping Josephina about calling early. OY VEY!

Insanity Day 8

That is definitely what I felt like doing tonight instead of working out. After a busy day at work, a tense cheer practice and coming home to a sick kid...working out was not high on my to-do list. We ate dinner early and then I remembered that I still needed to workout. Since I ate I knew that I needed to wait at least an hour and a half before working out so I didn't upchuck my dinner. Speaking of, this eating less and what not is so hard to do. I think this may be a harder task to change my eating habits than trying to do more and more of the Insanity video. Willpower and just knowing when to stop are my biggest enemies. Even if I'm eating healthy, such as a salad or fruit or whatever else I may have that is healthy I just don't know when to stop.

I did test drive the Body by Vi today. I didn't care much for the chalky powdery taste but it wasn't too bad. I'm fairly certain that any shake I try will be like this. I mixed it with juice instead of water or milk. I do have another sample that I'm going to test drive again tomorrow. All thanks to Running Regina. I didn't really notice any difference in myself today but as with anything I'm sure it will take more than one try to notice anything. I really wish I had some samples of the shakeology to test drive. Last week I kept leaning towards shakeology but now I'm not leaning towards anything. At this rate I should just try slim fast. I will save money, it tastes great and as with any shake, if I replace 2 meals per day I'm going to lose weight.

Yeah yeah, back to the workout. Oh wait, before I forget - I received a text from the Workout Queen today telling me that she jumped into Insanity week 2 to complete it with me. She also said I should go back on Facebook so she can motivate me but I'll pass on that one. That reminds me, I do need to reply to her text from hours ago. Oops.. So anyway, tonight wasn't so bad. Yes, it was tough and yes I did struggle and yes I did sweat like I was sitting in a sauna in the middle of the Middle East for 5 hours but I feel that overall I did fairly well. I'm sure I wasn't able to complete as much as I think I did but it felt like it to me and I'm ok with that. Of course, nothing will be as bad as my workout after Gravity Fit. I really should've thought about this schedule and my day of rest better. Oh well, I loved gravity fit and will register again for this coming weekend. Hopefully there are still spots left. I am going to pay for the monthly membership instead of the drop in rate because in the end I will be saving money and since I really like the class I feel it will be worth it.

Do you see a trend here? I keep avoiding tonights workout. In the end, I did it. I feel good right now and don't feel as though I will be sore tomorrow which is almost a let down because then I feel like my workout wasn't enough. I think I may feel so good because yesterday was my day of rest. Hence, no blog. I did, however, get a workout walking around the PIT and up and down the stairs several times (being that we were in row 34 which is near the bottom) when I took my boy to watch the Harlem Globetrotters. I should log that in my devil of a food journal thing. HAHA! I can log that, laundry, housework, yardwork, etc. LAME!

Alright folks, time to go tend to the sick kid and dream of a massage. I can really use one right now.

Gravity Fit vs Insanity Day 6

I don't even know how to begin with this one. I will say that in the Gravity Fit vs Insanity Day 6 battle, Gravity Fit wins. Granted I was so exhausted from Gravity Fit still that when I attempted to do Insanity I was so weak that I think I did worse than the first time I did this video on day 2.

So let's talk about Gravity Fit.



I was oddly excited about this class even though I knew it was going to kick my butt and the major fact that it began at 8am...on a Saturday. Anyway, I woke up easier than I do when it's a work day. Anyway, I pick up my friend who we shall refer to as Jumping Josephina. We head over to the facility and fill out our waivers. Running Regina was already there and on her trampoline square waiting for the class to begin. Did I mention there were a bunch of people there? Yeah, I think it was a full class. So Jumping Josephina and I ended up sharing a long trampoline. From this point on I proceeded to sweat and gasp for air. This was probably the funnest aerobic/cardio/cross-fit class I've ever been to! I had so much fun! Of course there was the one part of the class that wasn't so much fun. I'm sure you don't want to hear about all the fun, jumping, etc so I will tell you about the funniest (not for me) part of the class. Yes, I don't mind everyone laughing at my expense because I can only imagine how it really looked.

During the last about 15 minutes of class we were doing a "triatholon" so to speak. So I go to my assigned station and do my trampoline suicide drills. Not like Insanity suicide drills, but like soccer suicide drills. Anyway, after that my next station was suicides on the hard floor. Then came the "jump". There is a part of Gravity Park that has 2 long trampolines that you can jump into a foam pit from. I was unsure on what to do so I asked the instructor. She advised to go to the end and jump in, then we "swim" to the back wall and "swim" back to get out of the pit. So I skip hop down the trampoline and when I reach the end, I take a big jump and into the foam pit I go. So I start trying to "swim" to the back wall. Everyone that was already in the pit made it look like a piece of cake. Yeah, not so much. It was like trying to eat yogurt with a fork. It just isn't happening! So I try and try and the more I tried the further down I sunk. I wasn't going anywhere. I seriously felt like I was trying to swim in quicksand. Yes, poor me! I finally make it half way and decide that was as far as I was going to make it. Then I see Running Regina (who was part of the group that was a station behind me) jump in, swim to the wall then swim back and out she goes to the next station. Finally I asked another lady how the heck she was doing it. She told me she was raising her knees really high. The instructor even tried to motivate me (I'm sure she really meant for me to hurry up and get the eff outta there) by telling me to use high knees. By the time I finally struggled my way to the edge of the floor I was so exhausted it took me a couple more minutes to climb out. I step to the side, hold onto the rail and try to catch my breath. As I walked to my water, a guy (employee) that was watching couldn't even look at me. I'm sure he was trying to contain his laughter. Of course, I find out later that I just looked so defeated. Jumping Josephina told me that my face was so red and I was dripping sweat, while the look on my face was so sad...as if I were about to cry. POOR ME!

Needless to say I was done at at that point. Thank goodness this was the end of the class. Even though I had that moment I still love the class itself. I definitely want to return again next saturday. SO MUCH FUN!

Now, onto Insanity Day 6.



After Gravity Fit I was so hype and motivated. I loved it! Normally I crash after I workout so it's easier for me to workout at night. On the drive home from taking my kids to soccer and cheer I was starting to crash. This was 4 hours after the class ended. So I came home, rested a bit, ate a couple scrambled eggs. Around 3pm I finally was going to do Insanity. Today was the same video as day 2 (polymetric nonsense). So I begin the warm up and lose my breath right away. The furter into the video I got, the more breaks I had to take. I was just too exhausted but I didn't want to just completely stop. So I tried to do what I could. My legs were mush, my lungs were not cooperating, it was hot as ever because the sun was up and it was a decent day today so I was sweating like crazy. Yes, basically I felt like everything was working against me. I think I did this video better the first time I did it and I only did about half of it then. I am going to have to figure something out because if I continue to do Gravity Fit I will always have 2 workouts on Saturdays. Either way, I did it and that was all she wrote.



Sidenote: I went to a "muscle" store to get a blender bottle (shake bottle) and ended up asking about recover and meal replacement shakes. I was ready to purchase some protein shake stuff but their credit card machine was down. So I left, I didn't have any cash on me at the moment. So for comparison I went to another nurition store and get told something completely different. The stuff the guy was trying to sell me I've tried before and I didn't feel that it worked. In the end I didn't buy anything, not even the blender bottle I wanted. I have a lot to think about and compare. I did receive a couple samples today though. Running Regina brought me a couple samples of the Body by Vi, I received some curb your appetite with caffine samples from the muscle store and I tried some small (mini dixie cup) samples at the nutrition store.

Ok I'm super exhausted still and am going to finally crash and hopefully sleep in on my rest day. Rest day, Ha! What a joke, this means it is my cleaning and laundry day. Thanks for reading. 6 days down, 54 more to go.

Insanity Day 5 - 7 Month Anniversary

Yes, as a matter of face we are going to celebrate first today! Cake first, workout later. Sounds like a great plan to me! Besides...I LOVE CAKE! (that will NEVER get old) Today makes 7 months since I quit smoking. Wow, time flies! Then again, so the scale needle when I stand on it. For those that haven't been with me throughout that journey, I quit smoking without even planning on it. June 30th was the last day that I smoked a cigarette. I'm sure it was after midnight but I didn't sleep yet so whatever, don't judge me. In the last 7 months I have been smoke-free, ran 2 5k's, gained a crap load of weight, stopped running, and now started Insanity. So let's everyone take a moment to celebrate with in my achieving this. I appreciate all the support I received in the early months so Thank You to all that supported me and kept me motivated to continue my smoke-free lifestyle.

Now, on to the other stuff...



Yes, I do believe that those that are trying to keep me motivated to continue with this Insanity nonsense are highly over optimistic. I mean seriously though. Even the Workout Queen told me that Insanity is an extreme workout to begin for someone who hasn't worked out. Although, Running Regina seems to think that I can accomplish this. I say they are all crazy!

Now before you say anything, yes, I did complete Day 5 tonight. Of course this almost didn't happen because life was trying to get in the way. I worked late, picked up dinner, came home and my baby was still feeling and looking like crap. Poor thing. So I feed everyone, call the Dr. and wait to see if I need to take her in. So in the meantime 30 minutes is passing by, I haven't eaten, I haven't worked out and before I know it it is almost 9pm. So my daughter has the nasty flu that is going around, I worked out, I ate and here I am now. And...as much as I hate to admit it, I actually liked tonights workout. No, I didn't complete the whole thing. Yes, I still had my moments of standing there with my arms over my head to catch my breath. Yes, I had my moments of my legs feeling like jello. I feel that I can honestly say that of all the workouts I've done so far, Pure Cardio is my favorite. What does this mean? What kind of nonsense is this? I must clearly be under the influence of something to be saying these absurd things.

Although my diet is still not good, I do feel that I can do more and more of certain exercises. Even if it is just 1 or 2 more reps. I don't feel that I've lost any weight and I'm not sure I am going to since I can't get control of my diet. I just love to eat. Of course, waiting to eat dinner until after my workout does help somewhat. Even though I eat all my food, I do start to feel sick after I eat. I'm hoping that eventually I will learn to stop eating crap! Once I am able to meet with Beautiful Betty I will have more of a plan. I was even thinking tonight that tonight would have been a great night to just have a shake for dinner. It was late and I had no business eating what I did. No, I will not tell you what I had for dinner so don't even think about it. I did add it to my food journal and yes I am going over in my recommended calorie count nightly. OF course there isn't a way to define my workouts so I just try to pick which might best cover it.

Ok I must call it a night because I have to get up in 7 hours to be at a Gravity Fit class at 8am. Oddly enough, I'm super excited to go to this despite the time of day. I will report tomorrow all about it so most likely I will have 2 entries tomorrow depending on how busy my day becomes. Wish me luck! Day 5 down, Only 55 more to go.

Insanity Day 4

*Warning: contains adult language*

Cardio Recovery huh? I call BS! That is just a play on words for really meaning we are going to make you sore in all the other places you aren't sore yet by making you sit in postitions that you have no business sitting in. Yes, straight to business today.

Ok ok, twist my arm some more why don't you? I will tell you about my day. Like I predicted last night my calves were super sore today. It hurt just to straighten my legs completely. Walking was a whole other story. Of course as the day went on the soreness began to fade but not completely. I guess this is my new normal. This morning I was forewarned about tonights workout. That just because it is supposed to be just stretching it is still quite the workout. Yeah, that crazy ass wants to turn me into a ballerina.



I just say "Thank goodness for my dance (as a child) and cheer experience!" Otherwise I would have been face planted tonight. Find your core, find your balance, kiss my ass. Yes, let's not do cardio so you are a hot sweaty gasping for air mess but instead let's move very s.l.o.w.l.y. and hold the postition while maintaining your balance and feeling the burn. Yes, I felt like there was a forest fire in my legs tonight. Stand on one foot while you hold your other leg here, stick your arms out and your other leg there, hold it for a minute, blah freaking blah Shaun T! Let's not even discuss the pulse. Just don't! Yes, I tried and I was shaking and this is what my legs felt like:



So enough of that nonsense of recovery while we make you sweat while feeling the burn but not making your heart beat out of your chest and your lungs feel like they don't exist.

I was told about a phone app to use as my food journal. I'm not sure I like it because it counts calories. Idon't want to to become obsessive with it. For those that know me they know I have a very addictive personality. It is called "Lose It" and it is pretty cool that you can just scan the bar code of whatever you are adding and it adds it for you. Easy enough! Speaking of eating, I just defeated the purpose of all my workouts this week by treating myself to chick-fil-a. The only crappy thing is that I ate after I worked out and I just wasn't feeling it all that much. Blah!

Still debating the Shakeology vs. Body by Vi shakes. Anyone with insight or suggestions, comments, likes, dislikes, anything, please comment to let me know what you think.

Oh...did I mention yet that I'm about 75% sold on this gravity fit class? The only downfall is that it is at 8am on Saturday. EIGHT AY EM! That is obsurd! Anyway, it is at the new gravity park. For those that don't know what that is, it is a huge play area with a ton of trampolines. I was talking to the Workout Queen tonight about it some more and she has the nerve to say "I think we are going to be very sore after it!" Yeah, ya think? I'm already freaking sore! It just sounds fun. I mean, who doesn't love trampolines? I will keep you updated if I do end up going to this nonsense of a class.

Ok, time to go tend to a sickly baby. Ok, so she's not a baby anymore, but she is my baby so back off! HA!

Insanity Day 3 - battle of the front butt

Let me help you out with this one. The caption says: When you have to double check to see if you are as fat as people joke about.

There was a different picture I wanted to use today but I felt this one was perfect. Why you ask? Well let's start by just saying that I took my "before" pictures tonight. I'm just hoping that I am able to have "after" pictures to be able to compare it to. OK wait, let me rephrase that. I'm just hoping that my "after" pictures are a smaller, more fit me than what was taken tonight. I had my daughter take the pictures and I haven't looked at them yet. To be honest, I'm a little scared to see them. I took "before" pictures back in June of last year. You remember, when I first started running? Well needless to say, I didn't take any "after" pictures after that one. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure that the "after" pictures would have been worse than the before pictures. I just remember when I saw the video of me crossing the finish line at the Chocolate Run and wondering how I didn't knock myself out with my boobs. No, this is NOT a good thing. However, that is neither here nor there.

Today I was sore all over. I had sore muscles that I'm pretty sure I haven't used these muscles in, well, ever. I wasn't sore to where I couldn't move, but just uncomfortable at times. My back, my calves, my quads...all of em. My abs even had a slight soreness. Which is funny because I didn't feel like I was using my core at all with last nights cardio polymetric some crap workout. Then we went for an afternoon walk. I'm going to say that it was around 2 miles. I should have put on my runtastic app but I didn't think we were going to walk for so long. I know that around the parking lot at work is slightly over a half mile. Then the other way we went was over the mile that we used to walk for our work wellness walks. By the time we were rounding back to the office my legs were tightening up and my knee was starting to hurt. Did I mention it was cold and windy outside? Yes, I felt like a popscicle. To the point that when we walked back into the office it felt like a sauna. YIKES! Did I mention that the walk was up and down hill? I'm sure it would have been a lot easier if it was just flat land. In a sense (as my walking buddy Bossy Buck <--that's my boss) it was most likely a good thing to walk to get my muscles moving to decrease some of the soreness. Yeah yeah...

Today I also decided that I was going to have this bright idea to start a food journal. Why on God's green earth would anyone want to do that? So as I was writing down what I indulged in yesterday I realized that I snack waaaaayyyyyyy too much! Even though it's not donuts, chocolate, or candy I'm sure it is still not good. Today was a cheer day and I didn't snack at all at work, surprisingly. Maybe one day I will start posting it here. I won't count calories because that is too OCD for me but I will keep track of what I eat. Granted tonight I went to Souper Salad for dinner. Yes, I still pigged out at the all-you-can-eat salad bar. I'm sure that could become unhealthy as well. Boy, I tell you what...this trying to lose weight and be healty crap is for the birds! I say that being healthy is overrated. HA!

So for tonight, I did survive day 3. I'm actually quite amazed because I think I did more of the video than I did last night. I'm not sure if it is because my children were working out with me tonight and I didn't want to seem like such a loser in front of them or if I was just that competitive that I had to try to do more than them. Either way I guess it was a win-win situation. It is funny working out witht them because they try to out-do each other. Then my daughter tries to be a motivator with me. "You're doing good Mom!" "Good Job Mom!" "You can do it Mom!" "Mom, take a rest, you look like a tomato (or something to that effect)." You know what sucks? When you are so freaking hot and sweaty then when you cool down you get the shivers because you realize that it is still winter and the house is cold! Yes, that sucks! You know what else sucks? The fact that I sat down on my recliner couch to power on my laptop so I can update the blog (my self motivator) and then have to get up to tend to the children or use the restroom and your legs are so sore that you are walking like you have a pole up your wazoo! Yes, I'm slightly dreading tomorrow because I'm sure it will be the point where I can't move and no longer just uncomfortable.

All in all, I think I still dislike this video. It is nice to see that the people in it also can't hack it and have to rest on their own and all that mess but still, they look great already so it is kind of like a wash. Still debating the whole beachbody coach thing. Still debating the whole shakeology vs body by vi thing. Still waiting to have lunch with Beautiful Betty, which has been pushed back to next week. And while texting with Running Regina today I decided that I just need to become rich so I can have my own personal trainer in my own personal gym and a personal chef to cook for me.



But since she burst my bubble of that I will just try to keep my eye on the prize!



Oh! I almost forgot. You may still be wondering about the title and the picture that I said was so perfect for tonight. Well tonight at dinner I was telling my mom about front butt. She hadn't ever heard about front butt. I was surprised because she is always talking about the fatasses she works with. So while stuffing my face with my spinach bed salad I was telling her about front butt she was laughing and rolling her eyes at me. Point being, I have the beginnings of front butt. I've said this since a few months ago and my office mates laughed at me and told me to basically STFU. HAHAHAHA! I'll spare you the front butt pictures for now. If you want to know just google it.

Time for me to call it a night and waddle my tail to the bed. Day 3 down, 57 more to go.

Insanity Day 2

Ok Folks...



Ha Ha! We should all know better by now. In all seriousness though, I completed day 2 of the Insanity workout. If that is what you really want to call it. I say that because I think I spent more time hunched over huffing and puffing while gasping for air than I did actually doing the workout. OK slight exaggeration but I did really only complete half of it. Last night I did the fit test and today I felt it. This one spot on my back was sore all day. Now, while I sit telling you all about my day (since I no longer have a facebook) I can feel the soreness from tonights workout. I know you are all so grateful to have me to tell you all these stories of what I put myself though. Can I have a piece of cake? I kid, I kid.

I am really motivated right now and if you remember, the last time I was motivated I signed up for 2 5k runs. Today I had someone ask me if I was doing the Warrior Dash. I don't think I'm in any shape to be doing that even if just for fun. We shall see. Right now my motivation is telling me to become a beach body coach and get more products so I can overwhelm myself with these workouts. If you become a coach you get a discount and blah blah blah. Needless to say I found a freaking bargain. We'll see though, I'm giving myself a few days to really think this over. As of right now I'm not liking Insanity because I suck at it.

One thing I will say though is that my eating habits are slightly changing already. I can hear you now thinking "yeah right!" Seriously though, today I had to force myself to eat a bowl of oatmeal, then at lunch I felt so full after my steamer bowl. Of course I wanted snacks later on in the afternoon but that is normal. Now mind you, I rarely eat breakfast. Yes, I know and I don't want your lecture on how breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So anyway, tonight after my workout we had fried chicken and potato wedges from the grocery store deli. I couldn't even eat more than a few bites of the chicken because it just wasn't good to me. This is NOT normal by any means because I love me some greasy fat food. I am not complaining, just making note. This really has me wondering if diet is mental. Again, no comments from the peanut gallery! We are ALL mental, not just me.

On that note, I am going to sign off for now.

Stay tuned for tomorrows update...if I can survive the workout.

Earthquake!

Did you all feel that? I hear it hit about a 7 on the richter scale. Please stay alert for aftershocks.

Just kidding, I did the fit test for Insanity tonight. Needless to say I feel like I'm going to pass out after my head explodes. This is what I felt I looked like doing it:



Ok so let me explain. I had just about lost all hope on borrowing this video from Running Regina. You remember her don't you? I had asked her several times and she hesitated then offered P90 but that was on loan to another friend and that has yet to be returned. Wait, let's back up a couple more weekends. I was at a friends house for her birthday shin dig. We were talking about weight, being fat and weight loss. A friend invited me to join her, her husband and her sister in their own weight loss challenge. I kindly declined because, as I explained to them, I have the desire but no motivation. So instead I took the idea to those I see daily (for my own greed of me hoping for the daily motivation)to see if they would want to do this challenge with me. Basically we started today (weigh in) and whoever loses the most 1 month from today will be paid $1 per pound lost (by each other participant). So if we have 8 people, then 7 people will pay out $1 per each pound that the winner lost. If I lose 20lbs and that is the most out of everyone that is an easy $140 in my pocket.

SO fast foward to last night. I could not sleep for crap! When I saw the clock say 3:45am I knew I was doomed for today. I believe it was the anticipation and dread of having to weigh in today. I also was up til slightly after 1am texting with an old friend of mine who happens to be a beyond beautiful fitness model. I've asked her to help me with motivation and drive. We are gonig to see what will work for me since diet is a huge part of weight loss but I have about zero discipline when it comes to diet. I want my cake and I want to eat it too! I LIKE CAKE! Ok so that was more of an inside joke between Running Regina and I. Today I walk into work and immediately they were talking about me. Asking me if my ears were burning and nearly tackling me in the hallway. Ok so I was slightly late than what I normally arrive. Everyone else was also anticipating the weigh in. However, to my surprise Running Regina came through and is letting me borrow Insanity. Why did I ever want to do this? Aside from the fact that it helped her and she looks amazing in my eyes now. OH wait, back to last night. As you can see I'm slightly out of my mind. I blame the lack of oxygen from the Insanity Fit Test. So anyway, last night I was remembering how I was contacted by a beach body employee about plugging them. So I pulled up the email and then looked into becoming a coach. I know nothing about this. While I was there I remembered that over the weekend I had looked at purchasing Insanity for myself. Then I saw the Turbo Fire video. I was 98% sold and almost purchased it last night. After this Fit Test I'm beginning to thing that I might really like this Turbo Fire better. We shall see how far I get with this video. Even after last night I mentioned to Beautiful Betty how I don't care for home workout videos because I get bored and when I get bored, I get distracted. Can anyone say A.D.D.?

So here I sit writing again and in my mind thinking to myself about how I plan to blog each night I do this workout. I may even include some self pictures of my progress. We shall see about that one. I figure, like with running and training for the 5k's, if I blog it then skip a night I will feel guilty. Well I am going to cut this one short because my head really feels like it is going to explode and I must've been squinching my face (is squinching even a real word? It is now in my book.) while attempting to work out because it hurts too. No comments from the peanut gallery. I can just hear all you smart-asses right now. Yes, it hurts me too. blah blah blah

So stick around, this could be very interesting since I am not a fan of sweating, working out, running or anything that does not involve stuffing my face with food. Wish me luck! I want to win this money...all while becoming more fit and happy with my self image.

Paper Weight, Heavy Weight

Well Hello there! How are you? Yes...you!

Ok so we all know that I haven't blogged in a couple of months now. In that time not much has happened. Ok, so a lot but only if we're considering weight gain.

I know what you may be thinking right now. Yes, I actually have gained A LOT of weight. Unfortunately I've become a lazy fat ass and I don't even have the excuse that I lay on the couch, watch soap operas and eat bon bons a la Peggy Bundy style. Believe it or not. I didn't want to believe it myself until today. Today I was at cheer practice (remember, I'm a cheer coach for my daughter's middle school team) and I happened to be standing in front of about 10 fullsize mirrors. Anyway, I glanced over at something and I thought "WHOA! Is that really me?" I felt like I was looking into a funhouse mirror. You know the kind that make you short & fat? So I tried to not look back into mirror. Then came time to show someone how to do a foward roll. (Parents, teach your kids how to at least do a somersault aka foward roll. But that is a different conversation). Anyway, I was squatting down to show her how to begin and man....I felt like a weeble. C'mon, you know how it goes right? A weeble can wobble but it can't fall over. Yes, that is exactly how I felt. Much like this picture, if only I was that adorable.



Now before you start to say "well you had to have other clues that you were gaining weight!" Yes, you are right, I did have other clues but I didn't realize how big I have gotten until now. I knew I gained weight since I quit smoking 6 months ago. I would be the first to tell you. Yes, my clothes were getting tighter. Yes, my muffin top was turning into a serious spare tire. I guess I was just in denial. The biggest thing was yesterday when I went to put on a pair of pants (not stretchy, not jeans, but a weird material) and I literally had to squeeze myself into them. Let's just say that it hurt. Even going to the doctor didn't help me realize my size. Well, I know it now.

It is funny, I had mentioned the other day about having the desire but no motivation. I have had the desire to do something about it for about a month now but have zero motivation to actually get off my butt and do anything about it. So let's take a step back and look at what happened for my tremendous weight gain. (No, I am not going to divulge how much but it is a lot more than one should gain in a time span of 3 months) Well if you have followed my blog then you would know that I was running over the summer to try to train for a couple of 5k runs that I had signed up for. I participated in those and did fairly well considering. Then it all stopped. I ran the 2nd 5k and took a week off. Then I went out of town for work, which meant another week off. Then after that work has been so crazy that I haven't even been going on the wellness walks. Of course the weather is pretty cold these days but that is no excuse. Basically since the end of September I haven't done any cardio activity. I went for a walk last week with my boss around the parking lot at work and I was so winded. It made it difficult to talk without gasping for air, granted it was around 30 degrees outside.

So what am I going to do about it? I have no clue whatsoever. I think about things and say "oh yeah, I could do that" or "This sounds like a good idea" but unfortunately I still don't have the motivation required to help me succeed. I don't want to set myself up for failure (as if that hasn't happened already). I'm not disciplined enough for a diet and I know that is like 80% of weight loss. So until I figure it out, I will sit here and continue to be depressed and eventually will come around. Hopefully anyway.

Well, there you have it. A quick update. Thanks for reading.

GHETTO

G-H-E-T-T-O.

GHETTO.

How exactly do you explain (logically)to someone what ghetto is? How do you explain this to a child who has grown up hearing the term and using the term but then seriously asks you one day? "What does ghetto mean?"

When I was first asked this question I opened my mouth to answer and quickly I was speechless. Being that I was driving at the time, passing by low income housing, I could've easily pointed and said that is ghetto. Or I could have mentioned a few "famous" people and said that they are ghetto. I really wanted to give my child a serious answer though. I couldn't think of a way to seriously give a definition of what ghetto is. I thought to myself, what is wrong with this? How could I seriously not explain what ghetto is in a serious manner?

So I looked up the merriam-webster definition of "ghetto" in the meantime:
1 ghet·to noun \ˈge-(ˌ)tō\ plural ghettos also ghettoes

Definition of GHETTO

1: a quarter of a city in which Jews were formerly required to live
2: a quarter of a city in which members of a minority group live especially because of social, legal, or economic pressure
3 a: an isolated group
b: a situation that resembles a ghetto especially in conferring inferior status or limiting opportunity
Examples of GHETTO
He grew up in the ghetto.
Origin of GHETTO
Italian, from Venetian dialect ghèto island where Jews were forced to live, literally, foundry (located on the island), from ghetàr to cast, from Latin jactare to throw — more at jet

First Known Use: 1611

2 ghetto transitive verb
Definition of GHETTO
: ghettoize
First Known Use of GHETTO
1936 ghetto noun (Concise Encyclopedia)
Formerly, a street or quarter of a city set apart as a legally enforced residential area for Jews. Forced segregation of Jews spread throughout Europe in the 14th–15th centuries. Ghettos were customarily enclosed with walls and gates and kept locked at night and during Christian festivals. Since outward expansion was usually impossible, most ghettos grew upward; congestion, fire hazards, and unsanitary conditions often resulted. Ghettos were abolished in western Europe in the 19th century; those revived by the Nazi Party (see Warsaw Ghetto Uprising) were overcrowded holding places preliminary to extermination. More recently, the term ghetto has been applied to impoverished urban areas exclusively settled by a minority group or groups and perpetuated by economic and social pressures rather than legal and physical measures.

So with some events that happened since my child asked me what ghetto meant I had a conversation with another adult and "ghetto" was referenced very loosely. This is what actually made me want to write on this. The term "ghetto" has become such an everyday word in lots of different cultures, cities, ethnicities, etc that to say something is "ghetto" does not necessarily mean that it is "slumming". In discussing an altercation that happened at a middle school, this friend of mine referred to the school as ghetto. So I listened and heard her out. After naming and comparing numerous local middle schools (Junior High for those that call it that) it came to discussing how the public school district boundries made no sense. What it all boiled down to was how certain types of children didn't belong at the original school in question. I will leave race out of this because that was not brought up in the converation. So basically, a couple of children were mentioned and said that they didn't belong at the school they attend because it is ghetto for them and they don't belong. Instead they belong at one of the newer middle schools in a "richer" part of town. My thoughts were to reply with "so they should be going to school with the snotty rick kids" but I kept it contained to my thoughts as I was hearing her out. Now let me explain that the school in question is a very mixed school. It's district boundries include a wide range of the spectrum. From low income to high income. Being that it has such a diverse population of students there are bound to be problems. In looking at the school districts, there is not one middle school that could NOT be defined as "ghetto" with the exception of the "snotty little rich kid" school. Now the city in which I live is not the slums by any means but I just feel that it is so diverse that there are no definite areas where you can say it is ghetto or it is not.

So back to my response that these children belonged at the other school than which they attend. I did open my mouth and have a light moment of word vomit. Basically I responded with "so what then? So they can attend these "higher income" high schools with drug problems?" No, I'm not proud of my moments of word vomit but I mean what I say. It is true, the "higher income" high schools do have drug problems that have made the news. One of which is known to have heroin problems. Very sad situation actually. The other one has it's problems of drugs and alcohol but it is not as clear as the heroin problem at the other school. Now I'm not saying this to point fingers, but to reiterate what we have seen on the local news, in the local obituaries, etc. Sure, all schools have their problems but that is my point actually. No matter where you go, you will have problems. It is just the type of problems that makes the difference. Fights, drugs, alcoholism in teens, bullying, etc. It is everywhere!

So just because a particular school has fights all the time, does that classify it as ghetto? No, it doesn't.

(By the way, this friend of mine is the one that actually got my child to thinking to ask me what ghetto is.)

Now let me end by asking you again, how would you define "GHETTO"?

4 Month Anniversary....a few days ago

So I have gotten really lazy about blogging and running and....well I'll just leave it at that. So there is something that caught my interest and got my mind running so I thought I would come and blog. Low and behold, I log in and realize that I missed my 4 month anniversary since I became a quitter.



I have no idea how I just completely forgot on the first that it was another month since I've been smoke free. Especially since this past week I've said A LOT that I am about to be driven to start smoking again. Stress levels have been super high, mostly this past week. I seriously must've said at least 5 times per day that I was about to start smoking again. Of course I haven't, I'm actually ok without it believe it or not. Even when I have a drink every now and again I am ok with not smoking. I'm sure the cold weather has something to do with that now too. HA!

So I'm going to keep this one short because I have another topic that I would like to write on before I lost it from my mind. I just would like to mention how when I was searching from the picture above there were tons of pregnancy pictures and infant pictures of "4 months". I am not pregnant but I'm sure I've gained as much weight since I quit smoking to now as a 4 month pregnant woman. DISGUSTING! Granted I just had an annual "wellness check" at work. My triglycerides are lower, my HDL is good, my LDL is above normal (gotta get that in check stat) and we just won't discuss my bmi or any of that.

Thank you to those that still support me in staying smoke-free! I may not mean that I'm going to start again when I say it but they are still the first ones to tell me I better not start again. It truly does mean a lot.