Good Enough...

It has been quite some time since I have put my thoughts down. I have been wanting to write for a while now. I have had so much on my mind. It is to the point that I am seriously struggling with remaining smoke-free. Yes, I have remained smoke-free. Going on almost 4 years now. *pats self on back* I can't lie though, it is still a struggle but in the end I see how strong I can be by fighting the urge to take the easy way out and give in. One of the hardest things that cause me to struggle is my weight. Since I quit smoking I have gained more weight than I care to admit. Sure, the weight could have come regardless but I know that I certainly replaced the cigarettes with food. I did good at first but then I just said fuck it and enjoyed each and every meal. Yes, I turned every time I ate into a meal. Which brings me to where I am now. Unhappy, always feeling like I'll never be good enough. Let me clarify before we continue. I am not writing so I can play "woe is me" but so I can 1) get my own thoughts together so I can try to move forward and 2) because someone else may be feeling the same way and they need to know that they are not alone.


Have you ever felt that you aren't good enough? Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wanted to cry? Have you ever sabotaged any type of relationship because of your own insecurities? There have been times that I have been so happy that it scared me. How could I be so "fat" and be happy? How could anyone be happy while looking that way? How could anyone want to be with me while I look and feel like this? I was recently told by a good friend of mine that I sabotage every single relationship that I have because of my own insecurities. I had to sit back really think about this before I could deny it. Low and behold, it is true. In thinking about this and all the relationships that I have ruined due to anxiety stemmed from my own insecurities and it was quite shocking. In my own eyes I am so disgusting. I know that my vision is blurred because people tell me otherwise and I can't seem to believe that everyone would lie to me. I'm not saying it is impossible but chances are slim to none. I once almost bailed on a trip that had been planned for months, probably even a year, because I had anxiety. What was my anxiety from? Being insecure. I ended up going on the trip but it didn't turn out as I'm sure it should have. I read a tweet today that said "Women are so used to their features they forget how beautiful they look to strangers." I don't necessarily agree with it but I agree with it. Make sense? I don't necessarily believe that it applies to me but I agree with the statement. Now, let me stop for a moment and remind everyone how on the outside I don't show people what I feel when it comes to my insecurities. I will be a straight up asshole before I let that wall down and show my insecurities. Ok, now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

When my friends say that I sabotage my relationships, I do so by different ways. Depending on the type of relationship, I may say "hey, you know I'm a big girl right?" or "you like big chicks?". Or I may just bail on everything and sit on my couch with a glass of wine while watching lifetime while everyone else is out. What ways do you sabotage your relationships? There is also the many times that I have buried myself in my work. For the last 6 years I had cheerleading to keep me distracted. Whether it be coaching, travelling, etc. Now that I am done with that, I am at a loss. I have to actually face my own mind. Do you understand how scary that is? I have recently reconnected with an old friend from high school. Why? Because this year is my 20 year high school reunion so why not? Side note: I don't think I will even go although I was super hype about it. I have decided that I don't want to see anyone from back then. Anyone want to guess why? Ok, so it took everything inside of me to not sabotage this new found relationship (friendship). And yet, here I sit feeling that I'm not good enough. For what? To be friends with someone I haven't seen in 18 years. Much less actually see them in person. I can tell myself that I am good enough but in the end my mind wins and I'm the one sitting here depressed, yes with my glass of wine. No, I'm not watching Lifetime but I am watching The Best Man so that doesn't help much either.

I guess my point in all of this is that whether it be your own insecurities or someone elses, what's meant to be will be. And at this time I'm going to be an old 600lb cat lady frying chicken in my deep fryer while sitting in my bed. Yes, I actually saw that on an episode before. I don't even like cats, much less any pet at that. WTF! That's not me one bit. I just wish for myself that one day I will be good enough.


In other news, I am happy to announce that I am going back to school. I haven't had to write an essay in 20 years and here I wrote one to go with my application. I cannot wait for it to begin so I can dive into that and not have to worry about battling my mind. I have just tested out of one class so that is 1 down and a bunch more to go. Yes, I am quite proud of this accomplishment. Please keep your fingers crossed that I get into this program for my Associate's degree. Already looking forward to transferring to a University for my Bachelors Degree. Yes, I had to end on a good note.


Maybe I will try to write some more since I still have the whole summer ahead of me before the fall term begins...

I'm sure I was all over the place but as always, I just let the words flow through my fingers and publish without editing. Hope you were able to follow along.

I have decided that blogging nightly while doing Insanity isn't as fun as when I was preparing for the 5k. After all, I am just doing the same video over and over (well by schedule anyway). I will say that I feel that I'm able to keep up a bit more but I still can't finish a full video without having to stop to catch my breath or let my muscles stop burning. However, I do have a story to share with you from the other night.



So it was late the other night (I think it may have been Thursday night) and I really wasn't feeling it. I had zero desire to work out. I just knew that I couldn't not do it because I made this dumb commitment and I need to see it through. I'm not even a 3rd the way through either. *sigh* So anyway, it was late and I decided to do the workout in my bedroom. It was 10:30pm and my daughter was laying in my bed. So I proceed to do the "Power Jacks" as Shaun T instructs us to do. Now if you don't know, Power Jacks are like a jumping jack/squat hybrid. You jump feet together and arms up then when your arms go down you go into a squat. It is definitely an interesting move and is quick to make your legs burn. So I am minding my own business and doing these power jacks when my daughter pops her little nosy tail up and asks me "Mom, what is that noise?". Now, don't get to laughing yet. My response was "What?" Then I realized and advised her it was my thighs. I'm trying to stay concentrated on the video when the little snot then says "Oh, well I was wondering why you were clapping!" I had to laugh and tell her to get her a$$ to sleep. The rest of the workout was not the same after that. Now, everytime I do a power squat I can't help but laugh. So there you have it...I can make it clap with no problem. It just isn't the way that some of human species may prefer. C'mon now, admit it....you are all singing "Make it clap". You can't thank me later when it is no longer stuck in your head.



This concludes this week's entry. Until next time...

WAAAAAIIIIIIITTTTTTTT.......

Did I forget to tell y'all about Gravity Fit last week? It is almost Tuesday again (Sunday) and I did share how I walked out a winner? If I already told you then you can just go back to singing "Make it clap". So the Workout Queen went with me to Gravity Fit on Tuesday. I think that Running Regina is not going to attend this class again. That is ok though, she is a workout addict anyway. And Jumping Josephina was unable to attend. So anyway, Workout Queen is such a beast that she decided to do two workouts before going to Gravity Fit. I mean, seriously, who does that? Anyway, we go and it was a full class again like the first time I attended. I felt great and was able to keep up a little bit more. Of course somewhat knowing what to expect and knowing when to go potty in an effort not to pee myself helped. I was sweating up a storm too. Yes, I sweat. I don't "glisten" like some women. So the end of class comes and it is "relay" time. I'm sure you all know that I was dreading the pit from hell! So again I counted off and ended up doing suicide drills in the dodgeball court area first. Next up was...yep, you guessed it....the pit from hell! Do I go there and some chick is there in the middle talking about how she hurt her ankle. She didn't want help so I was just waiting for her to hurry up and get out of the pit so I could get it over with. In the end, the wait gave me the courage to take it on. I jumped in from the platform area instead of the trampoline. So I jump in, swim to the wall and touch it then swim back and get out. All in under 10 minutes, perhaps even under 5 minutes. When I got out I just wanted to say "LIKE A BOSS!" I didn't though. After class I was speaking with the instructor. Did I mention she reminds me so much of an old friend of mine? It's pretty crazy how much they resemble each other. Anyway, even she said how much I've improved and gave me the double high five. Then she asked me what else I was doing or if I was just doing the GF class. I told her how I was going the dreaded Insanity also but I'd much rather do GF 5 nights a week instead of Insanity. Point is, she told me that I looked slimmer. That made me feel so great about everything and myself. I walked out of there with my head held high and a huge smile on my face even though it was about 10 degrees outside. Can't wait until this coming Tuesday. That is if the snow stops and cooperates. I won't drive in the snow unless I absolutely have to. I hate driving in inclement weather! I am also going to try to go to Thursday morning class.

Ok, this time I'm really done. MAKE IT CLAP! HAHA

Insanity...more than just the workout

I am so behind in updating the blog it is crazy! So basically, I have not forgotten but I have run out of time and I'm just pooped each night. Yes, I'm still doing Insanity. Yes, I am still going to Gravity Fit. Yes, each week I fall behind another day due to Gravity Fit. Big news though. I will have to make time to sit down and update with everything. Please check back again soon.

Insanity - Day 16, 17, 18 plus Gravity Fit

click on the picture to make it bigger so you can read it.

That is how I feel every day that I attempt to do Insanity so far.

OK I'm not going to try to be cute like with my last "Catch up" blog. It is 11:09pm on a friday night and I have yet another early Saturday ahead of me. So here we go...

I last left you Monday Night after Day 15 with my fit or should we say unfit test.

Tuesday - Gravity Fit (no Insanity)
I decided against doubling up my workouts tonight like I did the first day I attended Gravity Fit. Gravity Fit is enough of a workout on it's own. Believe me when I say that I felt more out of shape this class than the first one. We did a different workout which is kinda cool so we don't expect the same thing every class. We were working abs tonight. Boy did we work them. Holy moly! Less jumping, more balance, core control. Of course, what is a gravity fit class without Grace making an appearance? (Backstory: I'm just graceful like that, remember the pit from hell?) So we are about half way through class where we line up and jump across the trampolines. I'm going and I'm going and then my foot gets caught under the mat and SPLAT! I literally face planted on the trampoline and bounced a few times. I looked up and saw the instructor watching me. As I'm getting up she, in her microphone thing, tells me "It's ok, get up and keep trying". WTH! I just said screw it and walked down the side on the mats. Of course Jumping Josephina also twisted her ankle at some point because she was limping as well. At the end of class we had the "relay/triatholon" again. When the instructor mentioned the pit from hell I wanted to go kick her in the shin. But I decided that I can do it. Ok....wait....let me backtrack a bit. At home I announced that I was going to Gravity Fit and for the kids to get to bed early. (The class is from 9-10pm) My son tells me "on not in, Mom!" I was like what? He says "On the foam not in it!" Then he proceeds to laugh hysterically at me. He even stood on the couch to demonstrate for me how to jump into the pit from hell. That dang brat! Yes, I laughed. Ok now back to my story, I decided I could do it and gently dove on top of the foam in a belly flopping manner. I "swam" about half way and decided it was good enough for tonight and went back to get out. Did I mention I asked Jumping Josephina to stay with me in case I needed help? I'm so lame! HAHA! It was still quite the workout. I believe I forgot to mention that Running Regina tweeted me a picture of the pit from hell. What a nice friend huh? Please note the sarcasm.



Wednesday Day 16
So I'm a day behind on my Insanity schedule now but there was no way I would be able to handle back to back workouts again. I thought I was going to die last Saturday when I tried that. Tonight was the dumb polymetric cardio circuit which is a fancy way of saying interval training. This is my least favorite workout I believe. But then again there are parts of it that I do like. I did it, moving on. Just kidding, I have to recap after last night's Gravity Fit. My knee was sooooooooooo sore today. Much like Saturday after the cheer competition. It was stiff and hurt a lot to move it. Once it was in motion I was fine but it was getting it in motion that was painful. My obliques were quite sore as well. That Gravity Fit is no joke! I felt more sore from that than from Cardio Abs with Insanity. I love it though. I can't wait for my next class. I probably looked like a mummy today trying to walk around.

Thursday Day 17
I will remain behind on the Insanity schedule now since I plan on attending Gravity Fit more often (weekly). And I will take my rest day on Sundays still. My knee was feeling better but my sides were still quite tender. Tonight was pure cardio and cardio abs. Go figure! I did feel that I was able to hang more with the group on the Cardio Abs thanks to Tuesday night's gravity fit class. Didn't leave me sore, or should I say any more sore so I guess that is a good thing. It's strange how now I feel like I didn't workout good enough if I'm not sore the next day. This pure cardio was rough on me. I had to rest a lot tonight because I was either tired or more out of shape or something. But I tried and that is all that matters right? Being that I almost didn't do a video last night is huge because here I am again. I wouldn't say addicted but more determined.

Friday (tonight) Day 18
Tonight was cardio recovery. Screw this "rest" day from cardio. I say that in a loving manner, NOT! Sure, we are not doing cardio but the workout still makes me break out into a sweat. It is definitely no joke. Tonight after work I was talking with my boss about working out and losing weight and how this challenge just doesn't have anyone very motivated. This turned us into talking about "being ready for change". Last year Runing Regina and another friend were trying to convince me to workout and my response was always "I'm good. I'll eat what I want, when I want and I will continue to smoke too." Now look at me. I haven't smoked in almost 8 months and I'm working out religiously. I guess I was finally ready for that change. Much like you can't force someone into rehab, they have to want it in order for it to be effective. I just hope that even though I'm not losing much weight (I believe I put back on the 2lbs I lost then lost 1lb) that I will be more fit and look better. I am also working on cutting back instead of cutting out, as far as food goes.

So all in all, not much to update as far as Insanity goes but I did need to catch up. I'm sure I had more to say each night but I've been working out super late and then crashing right away. Hopefully I will get my crap together and start blogging nightly again so I am more entertaining.

Insanity - Day 12, 13, 14, 15

Yes, I know it has been a while since I've blogged. Of course, just because I haven't blogged doesn't mean I'm not doing this dumb Insanity video. And I say dumb in a loving manner. *note the sarcasm*

Day 12 - Friday
This was a really rough day for me. Between work, an extra practice before competition (cheer) and back to work I was super stressed out to the point where I was feeling defeated. It is hard for me to admit that but just so you can get an idea as to how I was feeling. I'm just thankful that I have a boss who let's me vent while at least looking like he is interested or listening to what I'm saying. Anyway, after retrieving my daughter I decided that I needed to bail on the workout and go have some adult conversation over a couple drinks and dinner. So basically, I used Friday night as my rest day and it was the best decision I've made in a long time. At least that is how I was feeling until Saturday came.

Day 13 - Saturday
So I got up and didn't have to go sit outside and freeze my butt off at a soccer tournament this day since my son was sick. So instead I rolled out of bed and started laundry. Then I figured I will get my workout (friday's workout)done early since we had competition in the afternoon/early evening. Did I mention that I hadn't eaten yet? This was the hardest workout since I started. I felt so weak and like I was unable to complete any part of the video. I sat down more than I ever have since I began this video. Huge difference of trying to do Insanity on an empty stomach versus at the end of the day when you are tired. I literally felt like I was going to fall out 10 minutes into the video. Yes, that is about when the warm-up is finishing. Now let me add that after the competition my knee was so stiff that it hurt to walk much less move it.



Day 14 - Sunday
Normally this is my rest day, however, since I took Friday night off to have some adult time I am having to workout today. What a long weekend! Today I also had to go and freeze my tail off since my son was feeling well enough to attempt to participate in the soccer tourney, which of course didn't help my knee feel any better. I once heard that you burn calories when you are cold because the body is trying to keep warm. If this is the case then I should've lost 10 pounds while sitting outside watching the first game. Anyway, I came home tired and naturally didn't want to work out. So I ate pizza instead. Yes, before you think about lecturing me I did work out after. Of course I did wait about an hour and a half after I ate before I worked out. This was my first "double work out" also. Pure Cardio and Cardio Abs. I was a little scared and boy did I have reason. I like the pure cardio video but that cardio abs is no joke. Just holding position without doing crunches or sit ups is hard.



Day 15 - Monday (today)
So today I weighed myself again. I am down a total of 2 pounds since I began Insanity and this weight loss challenge. I shouldn't complain since it is better than losing zero pounds or gaining any pounds. Today was also Fit Test day. OH Boy! So straight to the fit test we go. As I was doing the warm up it felt different. Being that the warm up is pretty much the same in every video I found it odd. My knee was feeling ok since attempting to do the workout last night. Must be the weather aggrivating it. Anyway overall, I improved on everything on the fit test. Only because I pushed myself as much as I could to do better than the first day. The first workout (kick something or another) I had to do twice since my daughter who was supposed to help me count did it wrong. Either way I didn't improve on that one, I actually did less. Everything else I made sure I improved. We'll see how sore I am tomorrow. Stay tuned......

Insanity Day 11

Seriously though! I think I really do hit my snooze button about 5 times every morning. Well, that is when I hear my alarm. Ok that is neither here nor there. I'm really going to keep it short and sweet tonight because I'm tired and I read before I sleep and I can't miss out on that. Tonight was Cardio Recovery so it was a faily simple workout except for the forrest fire in my thighs again. I don't mind going slow and doing stretching but holding in certain positions as long as I can through the burn is tough. But...I did it. Even if I really didn't want to. Today was an exhausting day. See, told you I'd keep it short and sweet. Catch y'all tomorrow after another crazy busy day! ps. I just had to come back to edit from 10 to 11. Even better! Too bad it wasn't from 10 to 60. HA!

Insanity Day 10

This is how I feel when getting ready for Insanity. Yikes! I had to actually untie the drawstring on my shorts the other night so I could get them on. Mind you, these are the shorts I wore for The Color Run! How is this even possible? I really must be a total heffer! Just goes back to the idea that you don't know how big you really are until you see yourself in a mirror when you aren't ready to see the real you. Scary situation!

I'm tired so let's just get to it. And don't you try to distract me either, I won't fall for it tonight. Speaking of tonight, I had no desire whatsoever to do this video of the polymetric cardio circuit. Screw this video. Not one of my favorites, can you tell? After practice we went to dinner (a weekly wednesday ritual for free pie wednesday at VI - and no I didn't eat the pie...yet)and as we sat in our booth waiting to be waited on I thought to myself "man, I still have to workout but since I'm eating now this means I have to wait and will be working out late." So I waited about an hour and half after I ate dinner to workout. I even pouted, stomped my feet and rolled my eyes at Shaun T. I know it is hard to believe me acting in such a childish manner but it's true! Just take a moment to force yourself to accept this.

And why do I always have to pee when I'm working out? Never fails, I am on a roll, feeling the burn and sweating like a child working in a sweat shop....then it hits me. Tonight I'm certain that it is something wrong with me, perhaps a weak bladder or something that bearing children did to me. At least when I'm doing Insanity I am at home and it's not so embarrassing. Unlike at Gravity Fit when I was doing tuck jumps across the trampolines and had to do the longest kegel of my life and then run to the bathroom barefoot so I didn't have pee running down my leg. So naturally, tonight I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the video and since I don't know how to pause on the PS2 I just let it run and catch back up.

Speaking of Gravity Fit, I'm so sad! I reminded Jumping Josephina that we needed to call to make our reservation since both of us forgot yesterday. Then I receive a text that she called and they advised her that this past Saturday was a launch class only and they will not be offering the class on Saturdays, only Tuesday Nights (from 9-10pm) and Thursday Mornings (from 7-8am). We are going to try to make the Tuesday night class but that is sooooooo late to be working out, even for me. Not to mention I have to drive across town and make sure that I have something to watch the kids since I'm an overprotective mother and have problems leaving them alone. I would love to be able to do Thursday mornings as well but I already struggle with my hours at work and this wouldn't help. Maybe when school is out and cheer is done I can do it since it will be easier for me to go into work later. Maybe if we keep calling for Saturdays they will see that the class will be full and they will add it. Hmmmmm.... I will just have to make sure that I either wake up at like 4am to do Insanity for that day or just use Gravity Fit in it's place because doing double workouts within a few hours of each other is too tough for me.

Hey, I told you not to distract me. I really did intend to keep this short. One last thing that I forgot to say the other night then I'm off to dreamland. When you see someone on the biggest loser that weighs the same as you but you think they are way bigger than you, chances are they are probably not. Yes, eye opener for me. What makes it worse that I never watch that show but it happened to be on and like any show, I have to see how it ends. Needless to say I don't want to watch it again because this time my son even told me to call to try to be a contestent. Little butthead! Ok, off to cry my eyes out over this.